Entry 248 A Letter To Sam
by Beautifully-Damaged
Summary: deansjournal verse. Warnings for: Angst, mild swearing, excessive drinking, physical abuse. Dean has been drunk and locked in a motel room for months confused and sad over Sam leaving for college. Broken!Dean, Indifferent!Sam, Drunk/Abusive!John


You left.  
You left.  
You left me.  
Left me alone to fend for myself.  
That's something I don't know how to do.

Physically sure, I know how to take care of myself.  
I eat.  
I know when I have to shower.  
And even though I'm never tired, I know when I should lay down and at least feign sleep.

But there's so much more.  
So much more than either you or dad ever heard me express.  
I'm not the big, cold, indifferent badass I pretend to be._  
Jesus Sammy...  
_I thought you knew that.  
Thought you understood...  
_I need you._

You left me alone with Dad and oh god was he pissed over you leaving! If he wasn't losing himself in hunts, he was getting into bar brawls that he started. Christ.. I had to patch up him three times in one month. And you know Dad.. when he's angry or doesn't have anything to do, he drowns himself in Jack.

He would sit at the table drinking for hours and mumbling to himself.. about you.

About how he couldn't protect you with you so far away, and how you never listened to him and you never will. I had to listen to him bitch about how '_Sam never had our backs but we always had his. The damn kid's head just isn't__ in __the game! _He rambled and ranted constantly about family. _'Family never abandons family! Never_!'

But when he started calling you names, '_good for nothing, useless, self-absorbed, whining, ungrateful little shit', _I knew what was coming next. And I refused to wait for those inevitable moments when his drunken anger would turn to rage and he'd start taking it out on me. I couldn't take it anymore so I left. I am not a punching bag.

Now I sit alone in this sad little room wondering if anything will ever be the same again. And ironically I find, although I hate to admit it, I'm doing the exact same god damn thing as Dad.

Every night I open the curtains and let the darkness spill in, grab a case of beer and think.. about you.

At first, it was only hours, then time somehow twisted and warped into weeks. Those long and lonely weeks then blurred into months, although I have no idea how much time has truly passed. 5 months? 7? 20? A hundred? Fuck. I don't know anymore.

I often wonder what I did wrong. Did I really mean so little to you that you could just walk right out of my life like that? All I ever did, my sole purpose in life, was to look after you. You were my number one priority. And this is what I get in return? So long as you were here I knew what was expected of me. There was routine and meaning to my life, but now? Now you're gone and I have no clue what to do.

I'm lost.

There were only a few things in my life which I understood with absolute certainty.

I was:  
Son.  
Big brother.  
Man.

Then one day I woke up and everything had changed. One day I woke up and the little boy in you was gone. You didn't need me anymore. You said that you needed to move on and told me I should do the same.

_Where did you want me to go ?_

With a duffel over your shoulder and a pat on my back, you left me alone to fit parts of a damaged puzzle together even though the most important pieces were missing. You left me alone to pick up the broken pieces of myself.

I don't know how to be just a singular person. It's always been Dean _and _Sam. Never _just _Dean. I don't have the first clue how to be _just _me.

Now that there's nothing but open road laid out before me and I can finally drink, drive and screw to my hearts content without so much as a condescending look from you, the sad and pathetic truth is..I don't want to. I liked having you by my side calling me jerk.

So until such time comes when I can figure this whole mess out, I'm going to sit here inside this very room, drinking till I'm numb, with the darkness being my new best friend.

And I want you to know Sammy, that if I never leave this room ... if I never step foot outside that door again, then just remember ... it was because my entire life was based upon pillars of salt and castles of sand and I was powerless to stop both of you from slipping through my hands.


End file.
